MONOLOGUE
From: jimleftwich@mac.com
Subject: Re: mashed potato
Date: November 28, 2006 11:32:06 AM EST
To: jimleftwich@mac.com
1.
yes, well. fuck it for now. making a record of that.
remaking, or mixing, or mashing - mucking and
messing more like it, never did make any difference
and never will make anything else.
well enough, and good, irresistible to say good for
nothing which is good enough for now. go nowhere
and get nothing is the plot. means nothing fat chance
but surely less than you think.
less at least than i think not to mention any of that.
go nowhere and get nothing is not how you got here.
go away won't you do any good any more than what
does me. at that. into where think yourself out of
who, whole lot of good that would do them, doing it
all for them and going away.
i was once makes me laugh to try, starting there
doesn't begin there, nor here, to say i was and go
from there into anything but laughter. fuck it for
now is laughing how did that or this get in here
haunted face floating into the mirror eyes sad
from being up too long trying to think her way
out of thought.
one thing at a time won't work like you have a
choice is how i did it but not what i think nor
even expect you to believe it as if i care. that's
a straight line, think any thing you like. no such
thing as a dot.
don't let the pronouns get in your way. we don't
care as much as they think, i mean mean as much
as they say, or think we do, as if i was talking to
you. i don't even know you. fuck it for now may as
well mean everything - forever to everyone. give
your self some credit or a break or half a chance
stop what you're doing shut up. pay attention, she
said. i love the long horizon moon beach naked fire
long time ago. cigarette sparkling water chevrolet
into the subway. that's not paying attention. that's
you, fondling your private lies. not me. i'm the
invisible truth you're trying to forget. good luck.
still not paying attention, and there's nothing i can
do.
how did that get in here, letter strings bread crumbs
threads to your dictionary, tell me you're not making
this up as you go along.
2.
yes. i do understand. no. it doesn't help. you made
too many bad decisions while we were fleeing their
prison game language prism all the same things will
never be the same, they were ahead with the fix of
the game. i told her the same thing over and over
and it never emptied ourselves of them. i don't think
she ever will.
forget it. starting over doesn't work and going forward
is more surprise than illusion though mostly only that.
we were in for a rough rhizome on the storm, i could
tell you that much. she slept cats and handwritten
breeze like a cloud among the pillows while i thought
against making her up and singing her to love me. it
would have been that easy. fuck it for new and make
it as simple like it never was.
3.
mean what you care, write what you thought. i
didn't think it would look like it sounds like it looks
as i'm thinking it now.
yes, well enough and good for nothing or as close
as i can get and leave a trace. a trace of less than
that. desire at that. that will have to do.
4.
i am already sick of what you will continue thinking.
they are already sick of what we will continue thinking.
you are already sick of what they will continue thinking.
we are already sick of what i will continue thinking.
—Jim Leftwich